Jamie Nicholl

Jun 13, 202213 min read

HOW MEMBERS OF THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY HIDE WHO THEY ARE TO AVOID JUDGEMENT

Updated: Jun 16, 2022

Written by Jamie Dean Nicholl

Trigger Warning: This article contains examples of discrimination towards the LGBTQIA+ community and traumatic personal experiences.

I decided to create this article firstly because I don’t think that this topic is discussed enough and secondly, I think bringing awareness to all forms of discrimination could help people within the LGBTQIA+ community to know that they are not alone. I also thought that this article could potentially help those who aren't part of the community to better understand what it can be like for us.

It was in late 2021 that the idea came for this article, I was talking to a person in my life when they made the comment that they didn't understand why it is hard for gay people, I proceeded to explain to them about the daily discrimination that people in the community face but I felt like I wasn't being heard. I decided to write this article because I know that the person that made the comment is not alone in their lack of education regarding what it is like to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Knowing from first hand experience the effects these sort of action can have on a person, I specifically wanted to focus on the way in which people in the community hide who they are in order to avoid the judgement of others.

I created a document in January of this year that explained what the plan was for the article along with a link to a Google Forum that enabled those who wanted to share their testimonies an anonymous platform to do so. Below is an exact from the document I sent:

" The article will be about the way in which people in the LGBTQIA+

community hide who they are to avoid judgement from not painting

your nails to not coming out to certain people. I am writing this to

you in hopes that you would like to contribute to the article, it

will consist of extracts from as many people’s stories as I can get,

I am happy to make you anonymous or if you want, I can share your

name. "

I shared the document with the link to the Google Forum with as many people as I could and with each of the testimonies given in this article I was granted permission to share what they had written.

I thought it only right that I share my testimony too. I had everything I needed to write this article in January but I just couldn't bring myself to do it until now. Below are the testimonies starting with my own.

Jamie Nicholl, 20

Anyone who knows me will know in situation where I make myself vulnerable, I will make a joke straight after the fact or try to evade the situation entirely, when writing my contribution to this article this is exactly what I did. After reading the heartfelt testimonies that some people have contributed to this article, I decided to rewrite my contribution.

I knew I was gay when I was in my final years of high school. That’s already a lie, (that is what I taught myself to say): I knew before that, but living in a small town in Northern Ireland in which there are no queer people, being an active part of a community that hated gay people and a family member who joked if I was gay, I would be killed, I thought it best if I remained “straight” a while longer. I could stop writing now; I know that this short paragraph encapsulates the torment that so many people in this community have gone through and will continue to go through.

In The Royal School Armagh (my secondary school) the lord’s prayer was recited every single day in assembly and being one of the pupils that wasn’t religious, the fact that I didn’t recite the prayer resulted in judgement in itself, so you can imagine what it would have been like to be openly gay in an environment like this. I attended the school for 7 years and in those 7 years there was maybe a handful of people who were out (me not being one of them) and because of the misguided morals and the emphasis on religion within the school, people like this were stared at, laughed at and bullied for simply being themselves. How could I come out in a place like this?

When the first lockdown happened, I got courage to tell my close friends who I knew wouldn’t judge me in the slightest but even this seemed like enormous task. With sweaty palms and nervous rambling, I told them and they were so supportive about it, but having friends who openly supported the LGBTQIA+ community was not enough to shake the prevalent thought that it is wrong to be gay.

On the topic of coming out: my coming out to my mother wasn’t ‘Mum I’m gay’ it was ‘Mum I think I might like boys as well as girls’ – this is exactly why I am writing this article! I knew without a doubt that I was gay not bisexual, but I thought saying this would soften the blow for my mother and that’s because the society I lived in made me feel culpable for an action I had no control over. Questions of ‘Are you sure?’ and rebuttals of disbelief followed many of the instances of me coming out to my family; after a week of overthinking how to word it all and then allowing yourself to be vulnerable – after all this you really don’t want hear ‘Are you sure?’. I am aware that the ‘Are you sure?’ response is what some members of this community could only wish for and I count myself lucky to still have a roof over my head.

In the years that followed, some of my family have experienced turbulence in accepting who I am, some describing it as ‘a difficult time’, I hope that if they ever read this, they understand that the only thing that made my coming out ‘difficult’ was their outdated ideology.

I have now been able to build a network of people that loved and appreciated me for exactly who I am, I live my life as an openly gay man and have decided that I am going to live my life for me and no one else.

Anonymous (1)

I've always had the fear of judgement at the back of my mind wherever I am, whether it's walking down the street or coming out to my mates. Growing up, my old friends would see my sexuality as a personality trait. I was glad they were accepting, but it's all people would talk about. It became too much when I began getting cat called by other males my age in my hometown, and so I decided to 'de-gay' myself to prove to people that I am still a person just like everyone else and attempt to fit in with my fellow straight peers.

Of course, this was not me, and I was faking every second of my life for years. Moving cities and coming to university, having so many people not see my sexuality as a personality trait and a barrier has been so revitalising for me. I've began embracing a new side to me I hadn't discovered before. I'm less afraid and intimidated to approach men and I am so much more confident in myself. I still feel worried at times that I am being judged as I walk down the street, that somehow people are able to suss out my sexuality from a simple friendly conversation, but I cannot and will not let that stop me from being my normal, authentic self 🥰

Matthew, 19

Coming to terms with my sexuality was a struggle throughout adolescence and high school life. While deep down I knew who I was, I essentially lived a continuous lie and often adjusted my personality and beliefs regularly just to ensure that no one would find out. On occasion, I would have to listen to and at times force myself to agree with the homophobia that was being spouted by my peers as the fear of being an outcast was too strong. I have regretted this ever since as I wonder if I was part of the problem but given the treatment of other LGBTQ+ students at the time I was left mentally paralysed.

Another factor that played a role in this struggle was the homophobic and transphobic dogma that was spread by a certain religious institution within the school. Both students and teachers played a role in ensuring that LGBTQ+ students felt that they were not accepted for who they were by students or even particular teachers. This definitely played a role in my silent struggle with my own sexuality as people I had thought of as friends often regurgitated this hateful ideology.

Despite my sexuality being relatively unknown during my first few years at high school, I would often get verbally harassed by older boys who would shout slurs and other demeaning names. This only escalated the more I tolerated it and resulted in a case of sexual harassment from one of the older boys towards the end of my junior years. Looking back I absolutely should have said something but given the fear of my sexuality being exposed I remained silent.

Finally coming out to my friends and family was the best thing I ever did even if it led to some people distancing themselves. Though even now I am aware of the tension present in the unfortunate cases I find myself encountering such people.

Anonymous (2)

I found it difficult once I wanted to meet other queer people but I wasnt comfortable with straight people knowing yet. I wanted to look gay enough that other queer people would notice but not so gay that any straight people would. I did silly small things like cuffing my jeans and wearing different coloured bracelets that matched the colours of a certain flag.

Felicity, 18

It's scary. Not knowing who to tell because you are unsure how they will react. It took me 5 years to come out 1 person and the first thing they said was 'I suspected you were as long as you don't have a crush on me thats fine' and from that point coming out was even more difficult. The thought that everyone thinks I want to go out with them just I am a Lesbian and they are a girl. So I hid from that point. I made sure that however I dressed and whatever I did and what I was into made me look as straight and cis as possible and it was hard, everyday hiding myself because of the views of people I barley knew, people I loved and people who didn't know me. And it definitely took its toll I became anxious about people finding out and started to have panic attacks. I'm also non-binary which was one of the hardest things to come to term with and even more draining to hide because I felt like and imposter everywhere, toilets changing rooms, the 'girls lessons' during PSE.

I'm still not fully out to everyone and still scared to tell a lot of people but I have found a community and friends who know and love and support me. When will I come out completely and be comfortable? I don't know, it impossible to say but I hope one day I feel confident in my body and mind to let people know who I truly am and so I can stop hiding the best parts of me.

Anonymous (3)

I tried to suppress any possibility of being trans during my teens. I forced myself into super feminine clothes, hoping it would make me feel more ‘normal’, but it only made my dysphoria so much worse. I would stuff my bra to give myself a bigger chest, purposely making myself worse in privacy so it would hypothetically feel less bad in public. I had accepted not being accepted.

Although I have grown massively since university, I’m still making progress on myself, never bringing up being dead named or misgendered for fear of making those around me uncomfortable. It hurts that my grandparents will never know my real name - but my parents say it’s not worth explaining.

Oz, 19

My last year of secondary was a living nightmare. I was out before and managed to fly under the radar to avoid bullying but one day I left the comfort of the radar and started getting bullied for being gay. The worst incident was probably the time people threw basketballs at me while I was on the floor and shouting 'stone the gay' I guess I was personally experiencing the epic highs and lows of high school basketball that day. I went to school counselling afterwards and the counsellor said and I quote "hopefully next year will be better for you. Girls are more forgiving of gay people." She was a registered counsellor saying stuff like that to teenagers. Teenagers who needed help. I needed her help and that's what I got.

Anonymous (4)

The country I am from is quite behind times. They still treat LGBTQ+ as a taboo topic. I knew I wasn’t exactly straight since I was around 13, but I was always too afraid to speak out on it, as I knew many people would either bully me and call me slurs or full out avoid me, so I hid it for a long time. In 2016, when I was 16, the country was deciding if same-sex couples can marry and adopt children, and 70%+ people voted against legalisation of it, taking away the rights of LGBTQ+ people. Their reason was, and I quote: “Think of the children! They should have a mum and a dad, not two mums or two dads.” I think that’s what made me come out to a close friend, the anger of not being able to be myself on my own country. But even though she was (and still is) very supportive of it, I couldn’t tell anyone else, not even my own family. I know my family would support me no matter what, they have always expressed support for the LGBTQ+ community, but something is still holding me back from telling them. Though I am proud of my sexuality and I am open about it here in the UK, it is harder and scarier when I am back at home, even when I know nothing will change between me and my family.

David Donnelly, 20

I was very closeted in school. Growing up in Sunday school and going to SU (Scripture Union) and BB (Boys Brigade) , I felt a lot of pressure on me to be the 'perfect, chosen people'. This was fine when I was really young, I did everything right, I followed the commandments, I attended church religiously, I even attended a second Sunday school I was that committed. I thought I was who I was meant to be, on the fast track to heaven, so it was a real kick in the stomach when I hit puberty and realised, guys are quite cute!

I thought these feelings were the devil testing me, that's what my childhood had taught me to think. I felt betrayed, by God, by the world. I tried so damn hard to pray my gay away, night after night, crying because no matter how hard I tried, you can't really pray away a part of your DNA.

I thought everyone could tell, that they all hated me, so I threw myself in deeper, leading at BB and SU, preaching on topics like homosexuality and how it is the devil tempting you. These tactics may have worked to hide my sexuality from others but it did nothing for my self worth.

I didn't feel like I could be myself around my friends so I put up this defensive, attack-before-you-are-attacked, sarcastic persona. This is not who I am inside, and I am truly sorry if closeted David hurt anyone reading this in his attempt to hide from himself.

All this changed when I left for Uni. I was surrounded by strangers who didn't know me, and it was so freeing. I wasn't surrounded by my Christian friends at the time, and at first I was sad but soon after I realised this is my chance to be me. The gay, flamboyant, sexy me that I have locked away for so long. It took me 3 months in an open, non-judgemental, friendship group to undo the damage that 19 years of oppression had caused, and I have no intention of coming back. For those of you who don't know, my name is David Donnelly, and I'm proud that I'm Gay.

Anonymous (5)

For context, I am aroace, gender-questioning non-binary and from Hong Kong.

I am a university student at UCL (University College London). I have, on many occasions, hidden my pronouns in my email signature from professors I didn’t know if I could trust. I would also refrain from introducing myself with my pronouns with anyone in person (unless it’s an LGBTQ+ event), and avoid talking about my gender, sexuality and romantic orientation with students who came from my home country because I didn’t know how conservative they would be.

I also avoid bringing up anything related to my gender, romantic orientation or sexuality to my parents as I’ve brought it up with them before and it became clear that they are more LGBTQ+phobic than I thought they would be. My mom even suggested maybe getting me conversion therapy, and when I responded by telling her that it is incredibly dangerous and doesn’t work, she said “the Chinese way is different from the Western way!” On another occasion, I made an aro joke without thinking , and she responded by saying that she thinks I could essentially not be aro if I tried. I never want to bring up anything related to LGBTQ+ stuff with my mom in particular ever again, because every time I do, she would say something that would ruin my mood for the entire day, and for the first time in my life, I actually hated being at home with my parents because of it.

Mia, 21

I have been aware of my sexuality from fairly young teenage years but never felt comfortable or free in my environment growing up. Being brought up in a conservative environment with zero tolerance policy on diversity, I was always very aware of my behaviour and how I’m being perceived by my peers, to the point I was careful with the way I dress, walk, talk, and even think in a fear of “outing” myself. I believed I needed to do this by watching those few openly out queer kids that kept being mocked and bullied by other students. Luckily for the bullies, we live in a technologically advanced era so they didn’t really have to put a lot of effort in coming up with slurs and insults, they could just post it all around social media and get creative with photoshop.

Looking back, I feel awful knowing all the stuff that went around and happened to other people who were brave enough to be themselves, and I feel awful not doing anything. In the moment, it was all about self-preservation for me and I turned the blind eye. Long after we all finished school, I found out a couple of the bullies were actually queer themselves and joining in on the abuse was their way of hiding from others.

I want to thank everyone who submitted a testimony for this article. I am aware of how big an ask it was to ask you to write about a topic which is so delicate and intimidating.

This article is dedicated to everyone in the LGBTQIA+ community who has faced discrimination in any form and has concealed a part of of who they are out of fear of being discriminated against.

You are not alone <3.